“Yes” is nothing without “How” — “Never Split the Difference” Chapter 8 Summary
What good is hearing a “Yes” from your negotiation counterpart if they have zero intention to follow through? Before you leave the table, make sure they know how they will act on it.
“Yes” is Nothing Without “How”
Success is not the hostage-taker saying “Yes we have a deal”.
Success is the freed hostage saying to you “Thank you”.
This is an extreme example from the book, but one that illustrates the point very well: good intentions are meaningless without commitment.
As seen in chapter 4, a “Yes” can be counterfeit, confirmation, or what you want — commitment. Just hearing a “Yes” means nothing if you, and more importantly, the other person don’t know how it will be realized.
The Art of Letting Someone Else Have Your Way
This takes us back to the calibrated questions from chapter 7. “How” questions are king here.
A carefully calibrated “How” question will convince the other person that the solution is their own. After all, they will have to think through the question, creating the illusion of control that they are the ones designing the solution. They will go the extra mile to implement, thinking it’s something they came up with. That is how we, humans, are wired.
That’s why negotiation is often called “the art of letting someone else have your way”.
There are two “How” questions you can ask at these later stages of the exchange to push the other person to define success with their own words:
“How will we know we are on track?”
“How will we address things if we find we are off track?”
Then summarize the answer back to them until you get a “that’s right”. Then you’ve hit that commitment.
Telling Signs of Doubt
“You’re right” is a really easy sign to detect they did not buy into the idea.
If they include an “I’ll try” as part of their next steps it should trigger your caution. They don’t really care about success and won’t put much effort into it.
Go back in with more “How” questions until they define successful implementation in their terms. Again, summarize their reply until you hear the sweet “that’s right”.
Influencing Those Behind the Table
It’s terrific if you can lead the negotiation to the result you wanted and also get the other person on board. Great really. You’ve won the deal maker over.
What about the people not present in the exchange that still have the power to derail the implementation? These are called the deal killers.
An Example of Deal Killers
Let’s use an example from Chris in the book. His company was closing a training deal with a client. They were going to provide training to a division of that client. All conversations were positive, the deal was pretty much sealed.
But the deal fell through while figuring out the small print — the head of that division killed the deal.
Chris never found out if it was because of ego or he didn’t feel his division “needed” training. Point is, Chris and co. were focused on the agreement of the top executives they liaised with. They forgot about the people who would receive the training and the one among them with enough power to kill the deal.
Implementation by Committee
This is what Chris calls an implementation by committee. During negotiation you’re playing a game not just with the person in front of you, but actually those who are not in the room.
They can be someone of high status like C-level executives, or low-rank employees who will have boots on the ground for implementation. The former can ruin the negotiation by power of veto, the latter can simply screw up a technical implementation.
Identify the Committee
Once again, Chris highlights the importance of calibrated questions. Asking a question such as “How does this affect the rest of your team?” or “What do your colleagues see as their main challenge in this area?” can surface the unknown committee audience and ensure the solution agreed will go through with everyone involved.
You have to analyse this entire negotiation space during the exchange or the negotiation can’t succeed.
Spot Liars, Deal with Jerks, and Charm Everyone Else
Effective negotiators are conscious of the verbal, paraverbal (how it’s said), nonverbal cues, and group dynamics if applicable.
Specifically, this part is about how to identify liars, disarm jerks, and charm everybody else.
The 7–38–55 Percent Rule
Here is an interesting statistical rule about reading your negotiation counterpart. The UCLA psychology professor Albert Mehrabian created the 7–38–55 percent rule:
- 7% of a message is based on words
- 38% of a message is based on the tone of voice
- 55% of a message is based on the body language and facial expressions
There is the obvious restriction that you need to physically see this person to use the rule optimally, but it is nonetheless a useful ration to pay attention to during negotiation.
Mind their tone and body language to ensure they align with the literal meaning of the words used. A discrepancy will highlight a potential lie, or at least lack of conviction. That’s when you can, for example, use a label to surface that discrepancy and resolve it. The less surprises to deal with after the exchange, the higher probability of a successful implementation.
The Rule of Three
Quite straightforward: get the other person to agree to the same thing three times during the negotiation.
Number 1 can be the first time they agree to something, number 2 can be a “that’s right” response after you throw a label or summarise their answer, and number 3 can be a calibrated “how” or “what” question that matches the previous line of thought.
The three instances can also be the same calibrated question phrased differently: “what’s the biggest challenge you faced?”, “what are we up against here?”, and “what do you see as the most difficult thing to get around?”.
Essentially, you triangulate the commitment and consistency of their discourse against any doubts you could have from body language and/or tone of voice.
The Pinocchio Effect
It was easy to tell when Pinocchio lied because his wood nose grew in proportion. Well, with real people you can use other tell-tale signs.
Liars will be more verbose in an attempt to get you to believe their narrative.
They will also use more third-person pronouns (he / she / it / they) to put more distance between themselves and the lie.
Liars will also speak in more complex sentences to confuse with you bullsh*t. Too much to process means you might get lost in the noise.
Researchers have called this the Pinocchio effect because the number of words grows along with the lie. Liars will work harder to get you to believe their false narrative.
Pay Attention to the Usage of Pronouns
The pronouns used during negotiation can help you gauge how much power that person has in the decision and the implementation.
The more first-person pronouns used (I / me / my), the less important they are.
On the other hand, negotiators and people with power will not yield to use first-person pronouns. They will use plenty of we / they / them instead. This creates space to avoid making a decision on the spot so they can avoid getting cornered into making one. They can defer to people with more breathing room to make the decision.
The Chris Discount
It’s common to hear that you should remember and use the other person’s name to garner their attention. But in reality, it can also make your play obvious to them.
Instead, try using your own name. This can create a “forced empathy” for the counterpart to see you as a person. If the other person maps a name to your face it suddenly changes how they perceive you. They will now perceive you as another person with interests, motivations, and problems of your own.
The Chris Discount name comes from another story in the book. While paying for shirts at a store, the cashier asked if he wanted to join the store fidelization program. Chris asked the straightforward question if that included any discounts and the response was negative.
He then tried a smoother angle: “My name is Chris. What’s the Chris discount?”. The cashier let out a little laugh and asked her manager who was watching the interaction. Funny enough, the manager offered a 10% discount! Moral of the story: humanize yourself in a fun, friendly way so the other person also gets to enjoy the interaction. Then you might get your own discount too.
How to get Your Counterpart to Bid Against Themselves
Remember how calibrated questions can be used as a softer, gentler alternative to an outright “no”? Chris has identified that you can usually express “no” four times before using the word explicitly.
Throughout these four exchanges, the other person will bid against themselves as they haggle internally and show you a different proposal to meet you where you want to be.
First “no” is the trusted “How am I supposed to do that?”. It must be delivered in a respectful way, as a request for help to the other person.
Second “no” can be a variation of “Your offer is very generous, I’m sorry, that just doesn’t work for me”. This avoids you making a counteroffer, and the “generous” bit entices the other person to live up to the compliment. P.S: the “I’m sorry” builds empathy and softens the rejection further.
Third “no” can be a variation of “I’m sorry but I’m afraid I just can’t do that”. It’s a little more direct, and it demonstrates that you can’t commit to the offer while triggering the other person’s empathy even more.
The fourth “no” can be as direct as “I’m sorry, no”. If delivered gently, it can barely sound negative.
If you are forced to continue, “No” is the most direct last resort available. It should be delivered with downward inflection and a tone of regard. You’re not crossing your arms, pouting, and throwing out a “No!”.
Closing Thoughts
And so with chapter 8 you’ve learned the importance of clarifying the commitment. And not just how the person on the other side of the table will follow through on the deal, but also how the people not at the table will collaborate. They are as important to the success of the negotiation as the person sitting across from you.
Moreover, Chris also shone a light on how to identify liars, disarm jerks, and charm everybody else.
Overall this was another great chapter to learn about the crucial aspects tp closing a negotiation successfully and seeing it through afterwards.
