That’s right! — “Never Split the Difference” Chapter 5 Summary
“You’re right” and “that’s right” are worlds apart.
The Active Listening Arsenal
As described in previous chapters, active listening is essential in helping the other person open up. The goal is to make the other person feel heard and comfortable to speak in depth about their goals, motivations, context, etc.
Chris enumerates six aspects that compose active listening:
- Effective pauses: silence is powerful, use it strategically to make the other person fill the void
- Minimal encouragers: use simple phrases such as “Yes”, “Ok”, “Uh-huh”, or “I see” to convey that you are paying attention to the other person
- Mirroring: listen to the other person and repeat back the last one to three words
- Labeling: name the perceived feelings of the other person to identify with that feeling, arguably display some empathy (not sympathy!)
- Paraphrase: repeat back what the other person said but using your own words
- Summarization: a good summary is a combination of paraphrasing and labeling — you play back what the other person said using your own words with your perception of what they are feeling
Aim For “That’s right”
“You’re right” and “that’s right” are worlds apart.
The first can be said as dismissal of what you’re talking about. You feel good because someone proclaimed you are right and your brain releases a dopamine burst. However, more than likely they want to finish the conversation quickly. Remember when your parents were telling you off and you quickly “acknowledged” how right they were? Easy to get it over with, but did you even listen to what they said? Not really.
Now, “that’s right” is powerful. The person is not dismissing you or even necessarily agreeing with you. Instead, they have arrived at the conclusion that what you explained is correct. You guided them towards a logical conclusion in such a way they had to connect the dots on their own and acknowledge the value of the idea. They be more engaged with the conversation and pay more attention to what you are saying.
In practical terms, think of a sales pitch. You’re not selling all the attributes of your product out of the gate. You’re playing the storyteller role. You empathize with their situation as you talk them through a scenario. That will eventually lead to a necessity, and trigger “that’s right”. That ought to naturally lead to your product as the solution.
Maybe you’re selling a medical product and start by empathizing with all the issues raising concerns for the doctor at the moment. As you progress the conversation and get into specifics then you can start describing the features of your product. Not rub it in their faces, but rather talk through them in a way that naturally blends in with the discussion and shows how the product addresses the issues felt in the present.
Closing thoughts
One big takeaway from this chapter is the innate human urge toward socially constructive behavior. The more someone feels understood, the more likely they are to take action. The active listening arsenal will do wonders in helping you make the other person follow that urge.
And of course, you are not working to be right. You are working for the other person to realize on their own that the idea is right. That will create a subconscious understanding of the situation and drastically increase the chances of successful action on their part towards your negotiation goals.
