Embrace “No” — “Never Split the Difference” Chapter 4 Summary
Next on the list: learning to embrace the word “No”.
What is a “Yes” during negotiation?
If someone tries to sell you a product, they will likely ask generic questions to which it’s obvious you will reply with “Yes”. But does that help with you saying “Yes” to the final question and buy the product? Not really.
There are actually three types of “Yes”:
- Counterfeit
- Confirmation
- Commitment
The counterfeit “Yes” is a disguised “No”. They wanted to answer negatively, but “Yes” was an escape route for the conversation that will mean nothing afterwards.
The confirmation “Yes” doesn’t move the conversation forward. It’s not a disguised “No” either, it is typically a reflexive response to a black or white question with zero commitment attached.
The commitment “Yes” is the one you want to hear at the end of a successful negotiation. It leads to action and ends with a signature on the contract.
All three “Yes”s can sound identical in practice. Beyond knowing there are three of them in theory, you need to play close attention in practice to understand what is happening.
And what is a “No” during negotiation?
In contrast, “No” advances the conversation:
- Allows the real issues to surface
- Protects people from making bad decisions, and even correct earlier decisions
- Slows things down and provides enough time to digest ideas and commit to decisions
- Helps people feel safe, secure, emotionally comfortable, and in control of their decisions
- Moves everyone’s efforts forward
“No” works as a buffer during conversation — it is not a definitive answer that ends the conversation. Instead, it lets the person define their boundaries, provides more time to think things through and, ultimately, gives them more control over their decisions.
Going back to labels from chapter 3, this is why you can also mislabel ideas or feelings on purpose — it forces the other person to listen and they will feel comfortable to correct you.
Alternatively, you can force a “No” by asking the other person what they don’t want. For example, using a “Let’s talk about what you say ‘No’ to” early into the negotiation. The other person feels empowered to use “No” going forward as a self-protection mechanism.
Here is a tip from Chris to stop getting ignored with emails. Let’s take the professional example where someone you work with has not responded to your last few emails. You can provoke an obvious “No” with
“Have you given up on this project?”
This will be a perfect opportunity to hear the “No” along with details on why their communication has been lacking. It’s an easy way to gather new information and move things forward.
Closing thoughts
Once again the summary turns out short, but the 17 pages in the book are full of precious stories that display how great “No” can be in negotiations.
However, as you can tell from the summary, a “Yes” is simply what we conventionally expect to hear in negotiation, period. We have wired ourselves collectively to fear “No”.
Truth is, “No” will empower the other person to be more honest and work towards the agreement. Furthermore, this will simultaneously provide you more information about their position and how you can nudge them towards your desired outcome.
