Calibrated Questions — “Never Split the Difference” Chapter 7 Summary

Have you noticed how much more people can elaborate when you ask a what/how/when/where question? These can’t be answered with a simple yes or no. Instead, these questions remove aggression from the conversation and nudge people in the direction you need without looking pushy. They will get you closer to where you want to be.

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Create the Illusion of Control

“You can’t leave”. Now here’s a blunt statement that achieves nothing. All it does is raise tension and make your counterpart much more aggressive. You get nowhere with this.

“What do you hope to achieve by going?”. Now that’s a much better way to put it. This variation uses a calibrated question. Ultimately, it nudges the other person to not go — your goal. More than that, it does not raise any aggression, rather gets the other person to think about why they want to leave. They can still leave if they want, but it is their prerogative now. They have to think through it and make a decision of their own.

The calibrated question, or open-ended question, shifts your goal to a problem owned by the other person. Simultaneously, the question will create the illusion they are in control: the problem is something they have to resolve. You don’t want the other person to leave, but now staying or leaving is a problem they contend with and have to find a solution for. In other words, they have to make a decision while nudged in the direction of staying.

“Unbelief”

The next negotiation concept comes from Kevin Dutton’s “Split-Second Persuasion”: unbelief. Kevin defines it as active resistance to what the other person says, perhaps complete rejection. That’s where the two sides start off a negotiation.

One goal during negotiation is to get away from this dynamic and avoid showdowns. You don’t want to be imposing your point of view nor get it from the other person. Remember, negotiation must be a collaborative exercise to get to your goal. You have to guide the person from their point of view slowly towards yours, if possible even use their energy to achieve it.

Going back to the calibrated questions, these are a great tool to help suspend that unbelief. After all, these are requests for help while simultaneously creating an illusion of control.

One question emphasized throughout the book and again in chapter 7 is

How am I supposed to do that?

This is a great question because it ticks all the boxes for suspending unbelief and creating the illusion of control:

• You demonstrate wanting to agree with them — suspend their unbelief because you come through as on their side
• You ask for their help to achieve what they want — collaboration
• It is now up to them to help you help them — illusion of control

The output is a more mature joint problem-solving session. And remember, you don’t necessarily feel or agree with your counterpart. You are still working towards your own goal, simply guiding them there so it does not feel forced, rather a collaborative effort. Always keep in mind the “you’re right” and “that’s right” distinction.

Calibrate Your Calibrated Questions

Not all calibrated questions are made equal. You can’t randomly throw “how” and “what” questions at the other person and expect them to fall in line. You need to design questions that create agency on the person and steadily guide them to your goal.

To this effect, Chris provides a number of advices to designing calibrated questions.

Avoid verbs or words like can, is, are, do, or does. These are all close-ended questions to be answered with yes or no.

Start questions with who, what, when, where, why and how. These incite deep thought and will get the other person to elaborate.

Chris funnels the options further to what, how, and sometimes why — who, when, and where can often result in a thoughtless fact that doesn’t advance any further. Plus, why can backfire by coming across as aggressive or demanding of explanations.

The exception to using why is when the defensiveness created supports the change you want to make visible. “Why would you ever change from the way you’ve always done things and try my approach?” or “Why would your company ever change from a long-standing vendor and choose our company?”. These almost sound like you’re arguing from their perspective and not from yours. Other than these scenarios, don’t go near why for designing your calibrated questions.

And as always, ensure your delivery is impeccable. A respectful tone of voice is critical.

Stock of Calibrated Questions

Chris goes so far as to provide a list of common calibrated questions you can use during your negotiations. They should be used early and often, i.e., enrich your information gathering process as much as you can and as early as possible.

• What caused you to do it?
• What is the biggest challenge you face?
• What about this is important to you?
• How can I help make this better for us?
• How would you like me to proceed?
• What is it that brought us into this situation?
• How can we solve this problem?
• What’s the objective?
• What are we trying to accomplish here?
• How am I supposed to do that?

And remember, the implication of a calibrated question is that you want what the other person wants but you need their intelligence to resolve the problem. Even if the person is egotistical or very aggressive, this stops them on their tracks as they are now forced to leverage their skills to help you overcome the situation and advance the conversation.

Additionally, it has a hidden advantage of getting the other person to put themselves in your shoes: “how can I actually resolve this problem if I am this other person”.

Remain Calm

Chris wraps the chapter with a tremendous point: you have to remain calm. Losing your cool means throwing the towel. If you can’t think, you can’t manage a successful negotiation.

Bite your tongue. Not literally, but pause, think, don’t give in to emotional responses. Let the passion fade away. Collect your thoughts and reassess the situation. This also lowers the chance of saying things you don’t want.

Another rule is to not counterattack after getting verbally assaulted. Instead, disarm the other person by asking a calibrated question. Your fight-or-flight system will overwhelm you, but bite your tongue and come back with a calibrated question. As a result, you won’t be thrown off the insults, and now they have to stop and think through a problem you’ve handed them.

Closing Thoughts

This business of calibrated questions is a multi-layered tactic to guide the other person towards your goals. It creates an illusion of control, it is a call for help for a joint problem-solving session, it gets the other person to wear your shoes.

They will feel empowered to be asked for their intelligence and drop their guard a little. However, in reality you were the one framing the situation and guiding them along the way.